Informal living arrangements, and what to do when conflict arises
There are many folks in our community who are involved in informal living arrangements. These unseen and quietly established agreements are generally not supported by laws, guidelines, or accessible best practices. Oftentimes the success of an informal living situation depends upon the ability of individuals to set collaborative expectations, communicate effectively, and handle conflict productively when it arises.
So what happens when a conflict leads an informal living situation to feel untenable to one or multiple parties? Without some of the legal protections that formal tenants and landlords operate under, these situations can cause significant distress for all involved. We hope this article will illuminate some of the most common informal living arrangements that our case managers and mediators see and provide tangible ways to move forward productively in a range of situations.
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What do informal living arrangements look like?
There exists a broad spectrum of informal living arrangements, but our staff most often encounter these common scenarios and related conflicts that bring parties to mediation:
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We all know how complex parent-child relationships can be, especially once children have become adults themselves. Continuing to live together once a child has reached adulthood can be a source of joy and love, while simultaneously leaving ample room for disagreements to arise.
It can be very difficult to maintain boundaries between family roles (likely established over decades) and the new roles as landlord and tenant. For parents, we often see that accountability and responsibility are important interests. Are there negative patterns from their younger years that children are continuing or falling back into? Are new expectations around cleanliness, decision-making, or acceptable behavior inside the home being disregarded? This may be a vulnerable time for the parent, as their home life and personal finances become intertwined with the child’s in a way that can feel like loss of control.
For children, issues can include a desire for greater autonomy or a need to feel treated as an adult. Is there a feeling that the parent is overly involved in their lives while living under the same roof? Are there rules and expectations from childhood that are carried over, making the child feel disrespected or patronized? Children in this situation may also be experiencing personal hardship, while struggling to admit how much help they really need from family.
Even if families aren’t living together under the same roof, we also see parents renting a property they own to a child. While some of the layers of potential conflict are removed without everyday co-habitation, there remains ample room for disagreements around property maintenance, payment of rent, and more. In a structured and confidential space, parents and children can feel safe to open up to one another about what kind of cooperation they need from the other to maintain their own housing stability. -
Living arrangements for seasonal workers, caretakers, or other situations where housing is linked to employment can be particularly complicated, both legally and interpersonally. According to Washington Law Help, “You might get to live in a rental unit without paying rent because you were hired to do a specific job on the property, like property manager, maintenance person, seasonal farmworker. This arrangement is specifically not covered under the RLTA (Residential Landlord Tenant Act). You can read this law at RCW 59.18.040(9). Often, the conditions for living in the rental unit will be listed in an employment agreement or policy. Sometimes, the conditions are just verbal and told to you when you’re hired. You’re likely considered a tenant at will. This means the person or business giving you housing isn’t considered a landlord and doesn’t have to use certain termination notices and the specific eviction court process (called Unlawful Detainer) if they want you to leave.”
As the WDRC does not provide legal advice, it is essential for all parties involved to access appropriate legal assistance if needed. At the same time, we recognize that conflict in this situation can bring significant anxiety and stress to both parties, as its escalation and breakdowns in the relationship might lead to loss of both housing and income for the employee, and loss of a skilled team member for the employer. The effects of this kind of conflict can ripple out to families, co-workers, clients of the business, and the community at large.
Sometimes, re-evaluating the agreements can lead to repair and renewed arrangements that will work for everyone. This can look like changing responsibilities, adjusting compensation, or collaborating on a plan to find independent housing. Consider the value that employer and employee provide to each other, and what they each need to keep the business and the employee’s life moving smoothly. Review the employment contract and/or lease agreement to understand how those documents might reference each other. For employees, consider how your desired change in your living situation could benefit the other party by increasing your productivity or availability. For employers, consider how the employee’s overall quality of life can be reflected in their performance and loyalty. If you find that the issues you need to discuss are more specific to employment rather than housing, WDRC also offers Workplace Mediation to help employees and employers move forward with support and confidence. -
While less common than the previous situation, this housing arrangement comes with its own nuance. In some situations a tenant has agreed to perform a certain amount of work in exchange for some or all of their rent being waived. Perhaps a caregiver has been given a room to stay in while providing medical care for a client in their home. Or maybe a tenant has offered to perform professional construction work on a rental property in trade for a portion of their monthly rent.
When entering into these situations, it is very important that all parties agree on some core definitions. What is the value of the labor being performed? What labor is acceptable within the scope of work? How is that labor documented and reviewed? Are material costs included, and if so, how are those costs agreed upon?
Conflict can easily arise if a tenant and landlord value the tenant’s labor differently. As the value of labor can be subjective, a tenant might interpret an undervaluing of their time to be a criticism of their work quality. Conversely, a landlord might be worried they are being taken advantage of if the assessed value from the tenant exceeds their own valuation. Discussions can devolve quickly when these valuations differ, and it is important to acknowledge the emotional component of this scenario as well as the logistical component. -
This is very common in student housing, where bedrooms are routinely leased separately yet common rooms such as kitchens and living rooms are shared. It might not seem like a big deal to move in with someone new, until you’re caught in a conflict without a history of friendly relationship to remind you that you’re on the same team. Who defines the acceptable use of these common spaces, and how can all tenants be kept accountable to one another? Some landlords will provide house rules or tenant conduct rules, though oftentimes the landlord doesn’t get involved in defining shared responsibilities or acceptable behavior in the residence. It then falls to the renters to co-create guidelines for using and cleaning shared spaces as well as for interacting with each other, a process which can benefit from a neutral third party guiding when emotions start to run high.
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Some lease agreements address rules and expectations around guests and partners spending time at the home – defining the length of stay that is appropriate for a person who is not on the lease. However many do not, and a gray area can arise that impacts the housing provider, roommates, or both.
Say one roommate’s partner has started staying the night more and more. The other roommates have also noticed the water bill increasing and suspect it might have to do with the long showers the partner takes each morning. All roommates have agreed to split utilities evenly, but are now feeling like the cost is unevenly distributed with another person using those utilities. Scenarios like these can lead to detrimental conflict between roommates or housemates if not addressed productively.
Clear, open communication is especially important in situations like this. When a new partner begins spending significant time in a shared household, it can be helpful for all roommates to come together and discuss expectations, giving everyone space to share concerns, preferences, and boundaries. These conversations might include practical questions, such as whether the partner’s presence affects how rent or household responsibilities are divided, as well as how shared spaces will be used and respected.
More severe risks can be anticipated when a lease states the acceptable amount of time for a guest stay and that time period is surpassed without permission from the landlord. A breach of lease terms such as this may jeopardize the housing situation for everyone involved. Considering whether to add a long-term guest or partner to the lease may be helpful as roommates explore how to ensure all people occupying the home are operating under the same rules. -
This is an increasingly relevant issue, as local housing initiatives start to prioritize infill housing and zoning to allow for ADUs (Accessory Dwelling Units). A family may own their home, and decide to convert their backyard into a tiny house dwelling to rent for extra income, or they may split the home into two units and live in one while renting the other. With a tenant and landlord living in such close proximity to each other, it becomes key to establish personal boundaries beyond any lease agreements to ensure all parties feel comfortable.
For example, perhaps the tenant is a smoker and regularly uses the shared patio area when they are having a cigarette. Maybe the landlord is uncomfortable with this behavior, as they have young children that play on the patio often. The tenant and landlord could benefit from setting shared expectations of when and where smoking is acceptable on the property to ensure they are both comfortable and are playing by the same rules. This type of scenario could also extend to other common neighbor issues such as noise and pets.
When something goes wrong – like late rent payments or a backlog of maintenance requests – both the tenant and landlord may start to feel nervous, as if there is nowhere to hide from each other. This situation highlights the importance of making a communication plan at the beginning of the relationship so that both parties agree on when, where, and how it is okay to discuss rental issues.
It is also important that both the landlord and tenant in this living arrangement take the time to know their rights and responsibilities. Understanding these with regard to safety and privacy may be a helpful base of knowledge as both parties then work together to decide what will work best for them. We recommend that tenants and landlords ground themselves in an understanding of the law, then negotiate with each other toward a shared goal of peaceful co-existence. If more help is needed, mediation can be a useful structure to support those negotiations. -
Similar to the ADU/duplex arrangement, this situation can become complicated when the tenant and landlord are also roommates. If you are considering this situation as either a landlord or tenant, take some time to get to know the other party and discuss your preferences in the home, just like you would with a prospective roommate. Many of the issues covered above could show up in your living arrangement, such as work trades, guests, cleaning, noise, pets, and communication.
When sharing living space like the kitchen and bathroom, both tenants and landlords benefit from setting proactive expectations about boundaries and privacy. If you happen to pass by them in the bathroom at 10 pm, is that a good time to mention the unpaid rent or the yard work piling up? Some landlords and tenants might prefer to use only texting or email to discuss rental issues so there is a written record. Written records are important, and we also find that tenants and landlords understand each other better when they have face-to-face or voice-to-voice conversation as well. If it’s getting difficult to navigate the nuance of these communications, you may benefit from some structure and neutral facilitation to help keep both parties on track. -
A casual situation can become complicated very quickly without documentation of an agreement between the landlord and tenant. Although verbal rental agreements may be covered by the Washington Residential Landlord-Tenant Act, we always recommend that both parties work together to write down any agreements that they make. Before sharing living space with your friend, co-worker, family member, or other person in your life, have a conversation about each of your needs and expectations. Your relationship with that person will be more likely to endure through housing conflict by taking this extra step! You and the other person can get creative in your agreements, but be careful not to contradict the law. This page from Washington Law Help can help you determine which laws apply to your informal living arrangement: https://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/en/when-you-have-permission-live-place-dont-pay-money-rent
So how can you move beyond the conflict?
If you or someone you know is experiencing conflict in an informal housing situation, there are many paths forward to finding resolution.
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Try resolving the conflict one-on-one. Try these conflict resolution tips to help make the conversation productive:
Stay curious: Ask yourself, “What am I assuming? What do I not know? What might be important to the other person? To me?”
Recognize your triggers and respect those of others.
Understand your physical responses: Our bodies change in response to stress and strong emotion, making it hard to think clearly. It’s okay to put the conversation on pause and let the other person know you need to take a break in order to cool down.
Step away: It’s okay to put the conversation on pause and let the other person know you need to take a break in order to cool down.
Think about where and when: Neutral, safe locations and low-pressure moments with time to focus can help the conversation stay productive.
Be intentional in your communication. Think about your hopes and needs, and what you want the other person to understand.
Speak from your own experience: Focus on specific behavior and not the other person in general.
Actively listen: Stay present to help increase understanding and good will.
Get creative: Seek solutions that honor what’s important to each of you.
Record your plan: Having conversation voice-to-voice or face-to-face is best for mutual understanding. Afterward, make sure to write down any changes or next steps that were agreed upon, and share that written record with the other person.
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If having a conversation is not working, then mediation can be a beneficial next step. This is especially true if the conflict has risen to the level of making one or more parties feel that the housing relationship isn’t working and needs to come to an end. Many are surprised to find that a 2-3 hour mediation can bring lasting resolution to the situation. When compared with other options, such as posting an eviction or bringing a small claims suit, mediation can be beneficial in preserving relationships, saving money, saving time, and ensuring all parties remain housed and healthy.
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Recognize the role that relationships play in this housing situation. In an informal housing arrangement, relationships may be even more important than in formal ones. So much of the foundation of these arrangements is based on trust, and when one party’s trust is challenged or broken, things can fall apart fast. It all comes back to clear communication and setting expectations proactively. At the same time, conflict is normal, and likely will arise. Having a plan ahead of time for how you will communicate through disagreements will set you up for success.
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Acknowledge the added layers of complexity when family members are involved. This will change the way that parties interact and the types of solutions that are available. Important note: the WDRC provides both Housing Stability and Family Mediation services. The specific details of your case are key in determining which program is right for your situation.
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Add some formality to your living situation by making a collaborative plan to address the “what-ifs.” You can still have a creative and flexible arrangement, and documenting the rules that you agree on can keep both parties protected if something unexpected happens. As an example, the City of Bellingham is sponsoring a home-sharing program called Nesterly, which helps landlords and tenants come together as housemates, and provides a structure to add creative agreements to your lease.
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If you are a first-time landlord, there are many resources to help you learn rights and responsibilities for you and your tenant alike.
The City of Bellingham’s Rental Registry and Safety Inspection Program
WA State Dept of Commerce Landlord Resource Center
And if you are looking to start renting a room in your home, check out the new Bellingham Home Sharing Program, including FAQs about renting a room
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First-time tenants can also look to resources to understand their rights and responsibilities. Solid Ground is a Washington-based nonprofit that offers resources for understanding landlord-tenant laws, as well as best practices, tips, and tools for renters
Contact the WDRC for Help
The WDRC has low-to-no cost Housing Stability services including mediation, conflict coaching, and phone conciliation — available to community members facing housing-related conflict. If you live in Whatcom County and are experiencing housing instability or significant conflict with your landlord, tenant, roommate, or neighbor, then we are here to help!
Phone: (360) 676-0122 ext. 115
Email: housing@whatcomdrc.org
*Para información de nuestros servicios en español marque al (360) 676-0122 extensión 114 o mande un mensaje a ramona@whatcomdrc.org